My fingernail quest

This is my quest. I would like to have stronger fingernails. I don’t need them to be really long and painted a 1987 shade of glittery mauve with little roses and skulls tattooed on them, I just want my regular nails to grow over the tip of my fingers and be strong. I have never been able to do this, as soon as they grow a little bit they just peel off.

I put every kind of nail junk in existence on them. If there really is a Sally Hansen she probably has a mansion and a convertible because of all the money I have spent getting suckered by her products. I don’t know why I think continuous growth will work when triple strong, miracle nails, thicker nails, stop peeling nails, bamboo strength, stuff for horse hooves, fluoride crap, keep growing, get growing, and super strength have all failed me. I have also tried all the competitors they don’t work either.

The only thing that I have gotten from these is my nails are now addicted and after a while the nail glop peels off and makes things worse. So what am I supposed to do?

 Also I am sick and tired of buy into The Great Finger Nail Myth what is that you ask? The Great Finger Nail Myth is the whole world saying: this is your fault. It’s not.

I have gone on the internet looking for advice and honestly all I have gotten is guilt trips about how I am not getting enough vitamins. Right now I am taking vitamins expressly for nails, just as I assumed they are not doing squat. I am perfectly healthy, I have normal toenails and lots of people tell me I have great hair. I think it’s way too thick unlike my nails. I also have decent skin and people think I am younger than I really am.

The internet also lets you know if you have ever bitten a nail you are not only psychologically very maladjusted but you are doomed to have crappy nails for the rest of your life. Maybe this is true maybe because as a child I had the same habit as 99.9999% of children I am a bad person and deserve crap nails. Forget being a nice person, or giving to charity or believing in a higher power if you have ever tasted your own nails you are clearly evil.

Then there are Fake nails.

Finally I gave in and tried fake drugstore nails. I was hoping that since my real nails seem to hate being exposed to air or water or any other element being hidden under glue and plastic would help them to grow but they didn’t. Also the fake ones kept popping off so I had to re-glue them. I don’t know if you are supposed to but I did. After all after all the gallons of Sally Hansen I have poured over them a little nail glue is nothing.

They looked great however which only makes me want to grow my real ones even more. After all you are only supposed to have them on for a week and even the shortest length made it hard to type wash dishes zip up pants or do normal basic things.

Right now I can’t afford salon nails. I had acrylic ones for the prom and all I remember is that they were super impractical and the nail lady was super super judgmental. Tell  me again why  I should pay 70 dollars every week to get criticized for something that is 100% not my fault.

Oh and Shut up about natural cures already.

I have also tried some non traditional remedies like rubbing jello on them, rubbing toothpaste on them and soaking them in vinegar for a ridiculously long time. They worked well at getting my hands to smell like jello, toothpaste and vinegar.

I am now trying to look into specialty stores. I tried Sephora which gives you a migraine from the smell of 74 million perfumes at once, and guess what. Out of all their thousands of products the only nail stuff they had were 50 dollar vitamins. What the heck Sephora, you are missing a major need of the American people! Also I already take biotin. Biotin does nothing!

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